In Tamil there is a saying, “Marriage is a thousand-year crop.” This means marriage is a long and serious commitment, so approach it with reverence and gratitude. This aphorism was originally meant to glorify and encourage the institution of marriage. Unfortunately, younger generations consider this aphorism either as a gimmick or as a stumbling block to their goals in life.
Just a cursory glance around our society today and you would witness a steep increase in divorce, single parenting, live-in relationships, and the trend “And then s/he lived happily ever after as a single!” Why do marriages break easily these days? Why do youngsters fear marriage more than the deadly funnel-web spider? The answer perhaps has to do with witnessing too many marriages around us floundering and disintegrating prematurely.
Marriage is hard work
Many people today approach marriage with wrong intentions and false expectations. In short, they marry for all the wrong reasons. Some think marriage would solve all the challenges they faced during their bachelor life. Some think marriage would automatically usher in untold wealth and happiness, while they remain relaxed in a “cosy” massage chair.
While it is true marriage adds a new and positive dimension to one’s life, it does come with a price. Importantly, many do not understand marriage is hard work. Just like any good thing in life that comes with a price, we need to earn our right to enjoy the fruits of marriage. But then the younger generation which is much accustomed to fast food, google, and click-your-way-to-freedom is not yet ready to expend some extra energy in marriage.
Revive your dying marriage
After counselling hundreds of couples in Gilead, we now believe there are some basic mechanisms that can revive a dying marriage. But before you read any further, do ensure you first understand the importance and purpose of marriage.
- Change your perspective – Do not think your marriage is dying instead think “your marriage needs you.” This little change in perspective will help you to have a positive outlook on your future. Also, look at marriage as a place to share your happiness rather than as a place to find your happiness.
- You get what you give – If you haven’t been devoting your time and energy to your relationship, do not expect any fairy or gods to come and bless your marriage. Today, we live in a transactional world where one wouldn’t spend even one extra rupee, if they realise that investment isn’t going to fetch positive returns. However, carrying such “transactional” attitude into marriage is counterproductive. It also defeats the very purpose of marriage.
- Find that missing spark – Remember why you fell in love in the first place. What attracted you to your spouse – when you were dating or before you were married? What was it that your spouse enjoyed about being with you? Marriage becomes boring when people replace what they enjoy about their relationships with what they do not enjoy.
- Treat your spouse like a date – If you are single and dating someone, would you treat that person with contempt or with care? Would you focus on having a good time or discussing about your problems? The best way to ensure your spouse feels attracted towards you is to keep yourself attractive – not just physically but also in speech and action.
- Try Couple Therapy – If you still think your marriage is beyond redemption, do not panic. Nothing is over until it is over. After all, your spouse might only be in that phase between loving you and contemplating leaving you. Try attending couple therapy all by yourself, if not with your spouse. An experienced marriage counsellor can point you to patterns, communication, and systems that are dysfunctional within your family but unnoticeable to you.
In conclusion, you may feel like your marriage is dying and your partner has decided to quit on you. But there is no need to give up hope. With a little effort and change in perspective, you can reignite the spark that will make your relationship come alive. May long live marriages!